Somethings remain Unspoken...

23rd December 2002 was the date I was scheduled to go in for the D&C - in layman terms abortion. I didn't want to see Alex the day before that-actually I told him that we were to break up. He came to see me anyway. He tried to console me saying that we could always have kids later. At that time yea, I thought - what was the big deal?.. and I was convinced. I felt okay. He even offered to take care of my bill & bring me to the clinic the next day(I didn't refuse). I couldn't cry anymore after that. I felt numb till the next morning. I woke up and got ready to go to the clinic. We reached there and while the reception nurse & another lady were opening the door to the clinic one of them commented that I was there to 'wash'. It felt so wrong, the words stung my heart and it gave me doubt...

Christine (my cousin) called me that morning. Sis had told her what I was doing and she said she'd come to see me before I went in. We registered at the clinic reception and went for a drink while waiting for the gynae to come in. John came too.. they started talking and got Alex all confused. Confused in a sense that I had already decided, and even though I didn't want to do it, I would… because it wasn't what he wanted. I had warned him, listen as much as you can but dismiss whatever you think is not relevant. He got influenced by them, and then said he wanted to talk to me. Okay, we talked and there was a sudden change of heart to keeping the baby and getting married. I was even more hurt than ever. I told him, you brought me here so far.. up to the point of preparing to jump into the fire... and now that we're in front of it, facing it... you want me to turn back? Confusion no longer meant anything to me as I had already decided. It was too much to face, too hurtful to think…after that I went totally numb. I just listened to him, knowing the fact that nothing wouldn't change my mind. It stretched till noon.

Mum & dad called asking how I was and I told them Alex refused to bring me to the clinic. Dad got so pissed, he threatened Alex - said that he was never to see me again if he didn't bring me back to get it done. My father insisted that if Alex doesn't take me there, that I should come home and he and mum would make sure I get it done. I shed some tears, without a word, Alex turned the car around and brought me back to the clinic. I knew it, I just knew that he didn't have a stand; worst part is that he never asked me what I thought about it before bringing me back to the clinic. I was silent all the way.

I cried as we entered the clinic again. This time there was no turning back. The doctor sat there coolly and stared at me. My eyes were swelled and I stammered as I asked him if it could be done IMMEDIATELY. He said that they were going to close for the day and since tomorrow was Christmas eve, they'll only be on half day. I seemed like an inconvenience to him, as I guess he was all geared in for the holiday mood.

We did an ultrasound to see how far off I was. Doc said I was in my 7th week. I was so afraid to even look at the screen. Alex just sat outside, not bothered. Doc reminded me that it was too late to get it done that day, they were closing soon. Gave me 5 pills. I was to eat it that night, and after I take it... it would be irreversible. I had to fast (no food or drinks after midnight). The next morning I was to go in, and get the D&C done. Alex left me home; I was broken... I had to numb myself to prepare myself for it...

When he sent me home, I was so freaking pissed at everyone. I was pissed at Alex for letting me decide. I remember his first words "I'd be 100% behind you no matter what you decide" (it was never the answer I was expecting-not from Alex). I remembered when we were talking casually, I asked "what if I accidentally got pregnant one day?" .. his reply was "you know I'd take care of you". Stupid of me, I never asked him what he meant by 'TAKE CARE'. In this case 'TAKE CARE=ABORTION". I was pissed at mum and dad for not being supportive towards me-if only we were richer I'd be able to have the baby on my own. I was pissed at Chris & John for trying to change his mind... What they said was very true - I'd regret. I was just so freaking pissed with the whole world.

Alex sent me home, no.. I didn't want to be home. It was a Monday late afternoon. I stormed into the house; mum was saying dad wanted to have a word with Alex. I thought no, no need for words anymore. I stormed back out, didn't know where I was headed.. just walked. Finally I sat down at the shop outside my house. For 3 whole hours.. in between crying and hating-for I knew I'd regret. Said a prayer for my baby before doing it. After that I called Saiful, he came instantly. I cried like a baby and told him that I was so confused, asked him to answer me... why didn't Alex want it? Why didn't Alex want us? He just told me, Alex isn't ready for the responsibility, and I'd have to believe that the choice I would make would be in the best interest of myself. I found a great comfort in his words at that time.

Mum called during that time. She asked me what I had decided. I asked her back, it isn't impossible is it? She made it just fine.. everyone survives and manages. She cried, I felt so bad that I hurt her too... she just told me, yes.. she went 'thru it the hard way, and she didn't want me to make the same mistakes she did - she married for the wrong reason. After calming down I asked Saiful to accompany me till I took the pills. He just dropped me off at another shop nearby to get some water and I took it there and was on my way home. I'm so glad that he was there for me.

It was devastating when that reality hit me. I could just shed tears for the fear of doing what I knew was so wrong. I knew also instantly that I couldn't be with Alex after I aborted - that was why initially I agreed for marriage although I knew he wasn't sure. I didn't want us to fall apart. Sure, I could have forced it but what is the point? Not only will I ruin his life and his plans for the future, but I'll ruin it for my baby as well. I learnt one thing in life, we can't live on love and fresh air. Nobody said that life was a bed of roses; I finally understood why - so I decided. Either way we lose.. Heck, at that point I was so upset, so flooded with anger I decided that I would do what I thought was the best for us (too bad I failed to think on my baby's part).

That night when I finally got home, mum and dad didn't say anything. She just asked what I was going to do. I told her I had already taken the pills at 9pm. Nurse told me to wear a sanitary pad to sleep, as I would bleed that night. I took a shower and got ready for bed. I started bleeding at 11pm. It was so scary; I was so scared to go to the bathroom to relieve myself. I knew that the blood wasn't of any ordinary period I had every month... it was a life that was slowly dying in me. The cramps got worse after midnight. I pretty much couldn't sleep till about 3am. There was a lot of blood in-between that. Every time I got up, I'd have to change another pad. I never prayed so hard before in my life like I did that night. I didn't pray so much to god, I prayed to my baby hoping that one day he/she would understand and forgive me for my choice. I prayed to my late grandfather, to take care of her in heaven because I knew that he loved kids so much. I knew that if my baby had a voice she would have chosen to live, and I never gave her the chance. She wasn't given any choices...

"Life is life a jigsaw.. it represents the pieces in our lives. We choose each piece with care most of the time,.. sometimes not. Which pieces we pick and chose to fit in to complete the whole picture really depends on us. When we finally find all the pieces that fit in perfectly side by side one another, then that would be the time when we would feel fulfilled - that we have done something meaningful in our lives. ...."